Fiona Sad
A blog update
Happy Sunday everyone.
This is just a quick check in.
I am currently experiencing a bout of depression. I am not sure what came first, the chicken or the egg, but I've been sick, very tired, lost my voice, I have a lot of stuff going on, trying to navigate band camp schedule and working and band camp dues.
I have a gig with a lawyer where he is supposed to call me when he gets a Medicaid application to work, but it's been months since he said this and I haven't gotten one Medicaid application. I really like my job and my management. Just need to aim for more. While I'm there, I need to work on my clinical license.
I am feeling overwhelmed about a lot of stuff I need to do, but I've just been laying in bed and watching TV instead of doing any of it. I need to get the stuff ready for residency verification for my son's school registration, choose a new IDR plan for student loans, figure out how to get my w2s for a business that's closed down so I can get my student loans paid off, or I have 25 more payments left.
Today, I managed to do a few things. Taught my son how to cook the hashbrown, veggie, egg mix, I washed a load of clothes and went to the grocery store. Made enough dinner for leftovers for lunch for several days. Other than that I just watched more TV. I did complete a shit ton of levels on Duo Lingo.
I think I was more productive today because I made myself go outside and watch a storm. Being outside helps.
I am getting my voice back, and I think I'm not sick anymore. But I'm still really tired and don't really have any interest in doing anything, which is why I haven't been as active on here the last couple of days.
But with all that is going on, I wanted to share this…
I fall asleep to a different Sound Asleep ASMR video every night, and yesterday one popped up called Isolation Rain. I clicked on it and was immediately taken back to my Granny's trailer on the lake, during “quiet time” when there was a storm, when everyone took a nap. I don't think I'll ever choose a different video now.
The lake was my favorite place, and the fact that it's not in my life anymore is a very sore subject to me. But when I hear this sound, I am brought back to that trailer on Smith Lake, big box fans blowing in every room, rain beating on the roof, loud hum of the air conditioning. I spent half of my summers there as a kid. The other half was spent at the local community pool.
Anyway, it's time to get back to my Hulk Hogan documentary on Netflix. Hope you had a good weekend. I'm sure I'll be fine in the next few days.
Love y'all.
Thank you all so much. The uplifting words from everyone here has been a great dose of feel good. I really do appreciate it. I'll be okay. I just need to get over this slump. I know what I need to do just need to keep making myself do it.
Fiona, the day was heavier than the list of completed tasks can measure, and teaching your son to cook, buying groceries, preparing several meals, washing clothes, and stepping outside for the storm all mattered. The sound of rain carrying you back to your Granny’s trailer feels like your body remembering a place where rest once felt safe and unquestioned. I hope you allow that memory to comfort you without asking yourself to turn it into momentum before you are ready. Please keep letting trusted people know how you are doing if the exhaustion and disinterest continue, because you deserve support with both the emotional weight and the practical load.